Some humor

[bonneyman]

I thought I was wrong once....but I was mistaken. 

[Rural53]

Not wanting to cause a panic- dead birds in gardens in
Puke. Regional officers found over 200 dead crows near the racetrack last week and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist was called in examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".

[Rural53]

Some of you will have experienced this.

[pep]

An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.

He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll become your girlfriend.

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said,  If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,I'll become your wife.

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog said,  What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?

The engineer said,"Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, Now, That's cool.

[Rural53]

...

[bonneyman]

An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.

He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll become your girlfriend.

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said,  If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,I'll become your wife.

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog said,  What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?

The engineer said,"Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, Now, That's cool.

I'm thinking there's a market for a woman you can put in your pocket and all she says is, "Kiss me!"   

[Rural53]

For those with daughters/granddaughters.

[Rural53]

...

[twertsy]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her   Grandpa.
    When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and  bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
    "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the     room, make a noise like a frog!"
    "What?" said her Grandpa.
    "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

[Rural53]

...

[Rural53]

...

[pep]

...

Moon shot good one !

[Rural53]

Why my package has not been delivered yet!

[DeadNutz]

That's a good one rural. Years ago we needed a driver to get a background check before he could deliver a load of plywood and lumber to a construction site at Reagan's Star Wars gov't site. A driver volunteered and they submitted his info and received an all clear to send him out the next day. When he arrived at the jobsite and they checked his ID they drug him out of the truck at gunpoint. He had a failure to appear for a traffic violation that he didn't know about.

[Rural53]